Why do I have to give you my credit card number? So we can charge you when the free offer expires, and you’ll have forgotten to cancel ahead of time. Is there an actual person I can talk to? No. An actual person might weaken and offer you a refund. Is the warranty transferable? No.… Read More Honest FAQs (look here for answers before contacting us) ~ parody by Will Gandy

Sharknado (2013) Sharknado 2: The Second One (2014) Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! (2015) Sharknado: Feeding Frenzy (2015) Sharknado: Heart of Sharkness (2015) Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens (2016) Sharknado 5: Global Swarming (2017) The Last Sharknado: It’s About Time (2018) Sharknado: 20,000 Sharks under the Sea (2019) Sharknado 6: Sixth Son of Sharknado (2020)… Read More Films in the Sharknado Franchise as of 2045 ~ list by CB Droege

Dear Citizen, In accordance with the Security and Equality Act (law 214.87.64c), we have calculated your societal debt and necessity allowance. There is no paperwork to file as facts and figures were construed using complicated algorithms based on your government issued Usee account. According to your browser history, you are: Category        … Read More Dear Citizen ~ governmental communication by Colleen Maloney

Chas Hawthorne is a cynical gourmand from Baltimore. He believes fine dining jumped the shark around the time Wolfgang Puck started peddling his wares on the Home Shopping Network.

Dear Mr. Schoeffling, Attached, please find residual check number 1139 for your 1985 karaoke cover of “If You Were Here” by Thompson Twins. It is our most popular song in the following bracket: Caucasian women in the Midwest, ages 48-51½. Additionally, it remains the lead-off track in our evergreen playlist, “Jacking Off to the 80s.”… Read More Fanmail Received Today by the Jake Ryan/Michael Schoeffling Fan Club, Even Though It’s Been 34 Years Since “Sixteen Candles” Was Released ~ celebrity fan letters by Leigh Lewis

It’s been thirty years since a mysterious black notebook was found in a dingy alleyway on Mission Street in San Francisco. The small collection of hastily scribbled and, at times, completely unconnected words would typically be regarded as trash and discarded as such, were it not for local bartender, Josiah Campbell who picked the book… Read More The Sapphobook ~ literary inquiry by Mitchell St. John

All-day Lone Assassin™ paintball package on location in your ex’s neighborhood, complete with equipment. Package also includes a training session from a former Army sniper and a getaway Uber driver waiting at the curb to ensure you hit your mark and escape without getting caught. $39.99. Flea-infestation kit for three rooms and a hallway. Sneak… Read More Living Social Shopping Cart of Your Vindictive Ex-Girlfriend ~ post-relationship tools by Ashley Memory

INT. THE BREAKROOM, TRENDY GROCERY STORE—10 minutes ago. The BREAKROOM of TRENDY GROCERY STORE. NICOLE (mid-30s/obvious brunette with blond hair/black glasses/looks exhausted) is sitting at a table next to JENNY (late 40s/brown hair/frumpy/real fucking annoying). JENNY Can I tell you something that you’re gonna judge me super harshly about? NICOLE Okay. JENNY I’ve been watching… Read More Lunchbreak Confessional ~ script by Nicole Walkow

Jake Sheff is a major and pediatrician in the US Air Force, married with a daughter and three pets. Currently home is the Mojave Desert. Poems of Jake’s are in Radius, The Ekphrastic Review, The Brooklyn Review, The Cossack Review and elsewhere. He won 1st place in the 2017 SFPA speculative poetry contest and was… Read More Parade, a documentary: Shot List ~ lost production notes by Jake Sheff

COORDINATOR OF M.D.R. JOB OVERVIEW With a role in the M.D.R. department, you will have the opportunity to cultivate a meaningful relationship with your Mother. Time management skills are preferred, as she will remind you each day that your time together is short. You will feel there has never been anything longer. You will be… Read More Coordinator of the Mother Daughter Relations Department ~ job listing by Tara Lemma

Minutes from the March Meeting of the University Library Committee on Workshops Rejected Library Workshops for Students How to Push in a Chair When Bad Things Happen to Good Staplers Things You Can Ask Google How to Pick a Printer from the Drop-down List of Printers Rejected Library Workshops for Faculty Here Are Two Databases… Read More Minutes from the March Meeting of the University Library Committee on Workshops ~ document by Jennifer Gravley

Curse the alarm. I mean really curse it. Curse at it as your fist slams into the shrieking metal bells atop the heart-shaped clock. Curse again at the pain now shooting through your hand. Hold onto the walls for support as you work your way toward the bathroom for a shower. Feel ten, maybe twenty,… Read More How to be a Different Kind of Showgirl ~ memoir by Kat Knuth

Jim George is a writer-artist-musician. He has self-published (as a pdf) a collection of humorous stories, poems, specialty forms and line drawings entitled Jim Shorts. His work has also appeared in ANON Magazine, Praxis Magazine and Hock Spit Slurp. As a journalist, he has interviewed such legendary figures as Gore Vidal, Muddy Waters, Steve Allen, Bo… Read More Hansen and Gretchen ~ a text conversation by Jim George

As a longtime employee of XYZ Corporation, I’d like to welcome you to the company! I am excited to have you on the team. Undoubtedly, you’ll discover that some coworkers refer to me as the “Angry Black Guy” of this firm, likely due to the irritated looks I give people during staff meetings, office get-togethers,… Read More Angry Black Guy Looks: A Guide for New Employees ~ helpful advice by Adrian S. Potter

Too explicit ROBUST, ENERGETIC, VIGOROUS single gentleman (Princeton ’60), seeks sleek female Chaucer scholar for naughty Canterbury Tales re-enactments. Are you ready for “any lord to leggen in his bedde?” I’m up for it! Box 48729. Too depressing DEEP THINKER WITH NO REGRETS, yet something tells me all is illusion in this too-short life. Divorced… Read More Rejected Personal Ads from the New York Review of Books ~ a parody by Mike McGowan

GAME PLAY: Participants start in the juicy center of the trash gyre (Spiral Recipe Ham) and work their way out towards the sweet release of a well-blown nose, by rolling the die (not included). Also not included are playing pieces. This creates more freedom of choice than any of the loser games manufactured during the… Read More Double Truth Deals ~ a board game by C. B. Auder

bodies  notes on the new bodies  “An average affair with a fierce animal in a brick! … No one?” The sermon! Tales of sapphires disturbed the root of the Moon – the first moonshine. Are the sacred ones the fungus, not the Moon’s mantle and the Moon’s moons? In those sloth skins a tickled elbow splashes.… Read More bodies ~ a text collage by Hanuszkiewicz Marcin

  Inaugural address of Donald J. Trump, January 20, 2017 Elizabeth Krause is a graphic artist from Portland, Oregon. She created “Triumph” with an online word cloud generator. (Right-click on the image to view full-size.)

As if his last novel hadn’t done enough damage, Braith Pindrop is back with a new book exploiting the nascent national fad of ferret racing. As far as this reviewer can tell, the ferret-racing fad is only three months old, suggesting that Pindrop’s book, The Sleek Ones, was rushed out. Derrick Dewlap is a lovable… Read More A Day at the Races ~ a faux book review by Kevin Brennan