Films in the Sharknado Franchise as of 2045 ~ list by CB Droege

Sharknado (2013) Sharknado 2: The Second One (2014) Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! (2015) Sharknado: Feeding Frenzy (2015) Sharknado: Heart of Sharkness (2015) Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens (2016) Sharknado 5: Global Swarming (2017) The Last Sharknado: It’s About Time (2018) Sharknado: 20,000 Sharks under the Sea (2019) Sharknado 6: Sixth Son of Sharknado (2020)… Read More Films in the Sharknado Franchise as of 2045 ~ list by CB Droege

Dear Citizen ~ governmental communication by Colleen Maloney

Dear Citizen, In accordance with the Security and Equality Act (law 214.87.64c), we have calculated your societal debt and necessity allowance. There is no paperwork to file as facts and figures were construed using complicated algorithms based on your government issued Usee account. According to your browser history, you are: Category        … Read More Dear Citizen ~ governmental communication by Colleen Maloney

Fanmail Received Today by the Jake Ryan/Michael Schoeffling Fan Club, Even Though It’s Been 34 Years Since “Sixteen Candles” Was Released ~ celebrity fan letters by Leigh Lewis

Dear Mr. Schoeffling, Attached, please find residual check number 1139 for your 1985 karaoke cover of “If You Were Here” by Thompson Twins. It is our most popular song in the following bracket: Caucasian women in the Midwest, ages 48-51½. Additionally, it remains the lead-off track in our evergreen playlist, “Jacking Off to the 80s.”… Read More Fanmail Received Today by the Jake Ryan/Michael Schoeffling Fan Club, Even Though It’s Been 34 Years Since “Sixteen Candles” Was Released ~ celebrity fan letters by Leigh Lewis

The Sapphobook ~ literary inquiry by Mitchell St. John

It’s been thirty years since a mysterious black notebook was found in a dingy alleyway on Mission Street in San Francisco. The small collection of hastily scribbled and, at times, completely unconnected words would typically be regarded as trash and discarded as such, were it not for local bartender, Josiah Campbell who picked the book… Read More The Sapphobook ~ literary inquiry by Mitchell St. John

Living Social Shopping Cart of Your Vindictive Ex-Girlfriend ~ post-relationship tools by Ashley Memory

All-day Lone Assassin™ paintball package on location in your ex’s neighborhood, complete with equipment. Package also includes a training session from a former Army sniper and a getaway Uber driver waiting at the curb to ensure you hit your mark and escape without getting caught. $39.99. Flea-infestation kit for three rooms and a hallway. Sneak… Read More Living Social Shopping Cart of Your Vindictive Ex-Girlfriend ~ post-relationship tools by Ashley Memory

Lunchbreak Confessional ~ script by Nicole Walkow

INT. THE BREAKROOM, TRENDY GROCERY STORE—10 minutes ago. The BREAKROOM of TRENDY GROCERY STORE. NICOLE (mid-30s/obvious brunette with blond hair/black glasses/looks exhausted) is sitting at a table next to JENNY (late 40s/brown hair/frumpy/real fucking annoying). JENNY Can I tell you something that you’re gonna judge me super harshly about? NICOLE Okay. JENNY I’ve been watching… Read More Lunchbreak Confessional ~ script by Nicole Walkow

Parade, a documentary: Shot List ~ lost production notes by Jake Sheff

Jake Sheff is a major and pediatrician in the US Air Force, married with a daughter and three pets. Currently home is the Mojave Desert. Poems of Jake’s are in Radius, The Ekphrastic Review, The Brooklyn Review, The Cossack Review and elsewhere. He won 1st place in the 2017 SFPA speculative poetry contest and was… Read More Parade, a documentary: Shot List ~ lost production notes by Jake Sheff

Coordinator of the Mother Daughter Relations Department ~ job listing by Tara Lemma

COORDINATOR OF M.D.R. JOB OVERVIEW With a role in the M.D.R. department, you will have the opportunity to cultivate a meaningful relationship with your Mother. Time management skills are preferred, as she will remind you each day that your time together is short. You will feel there has never been anything longer. You will be… Read More Coordinator of the Mother Daughter Relations Department ~ job listing by Tara Lemma

Minutes from the March Meeting of the University Library Committee on Workshops ~ document by Jennifer Gravley

Minutes from the March Meeting of the University Library Committee on Workshops Rejected Library Workshops for Students How to Push in a Chair When Bad Things Happen to Good Staplers Things You Can Ask Google How to Pick a Printer from the Drop-down List of Printers Rejected Library Workshops for Faculty Here Are Two Databases… Read More Minutes from the March Meeting of the University Library Committee on Workshops ~ document by Jennifer Gravley

Hansen and Gretchen ~ a text conversation by Jim George

Jim George is a writer-artist-musician. He has self-published (as a pdf) a collection of humorous stories, poems, specialty forms and line drawings entitled Jim Shorts. His work has also appeared in ANON Magazine, Praxis Magazine and Hock Spit Slurp. As a journalist, he has interviewed such legendary figures as Gore Vidal, Muddy Waters, Steve Allen, Bo… Read More Hansen and Gretchen ~ a text conversation by Jim George

Angry Black Guy Looks: A Guide for New Employees ~ helpful advice by Adrian S. Potter

As a longtime employee of XYZ Corporation, I’d like to welcome you to the company! I am excited to have you on the team. Undoubtedly, you’ll discover that some coworkers refer to me as the “Angry Black Guy” of this firm, likely due to the irritated looks I give people during staff meetings, office get-togethers,… Read More Angry Black Guy Looks: A Guide for New Employees ~ helpful advice by Adrian S. Potter

Rejected Personal Ads from the New York Review of Books ~ a parody by Mike McGowan

Too explicit ROBUST, ENERGETIC, VIGOROUS single gentleman (Princeton ’60), seeks sleek female Chaucer scholar for naughty Canterbury Tales re-enactments. Are you ready for “any lord to leggen in his bedde?” I’m up for it! Box 48729. Too depressing DEEP THINKER WITH NO REGRETS, yet something tells me all is illusion in this too-short life. Divorced… Read More Rejected Personal Ads from the New York Review of Books ~ a parody by Mike McGowan

A Shakespeare sonnet edited for modern Americans ~ poetry by Wim Leflore

Sonnet XX* A woman’s face with nature’s own hand painted, Hast thou, the master mistress of my passion; You look hot, girl. A woman’s gentle heart, but not acquainted With shifting change, as is false women’s fashion: Most women are bitches, but you a’ight. An eye more bright than theirs, less false in rolling, Like,… Read More A Shakespeare sonnet edited for modern Americans ~ poetry by Wim Leflore