Dear Citizen ~ governmental communication by Colleen Maloney

Dear Citizen,

In accordance with the Security and Equality Act (law 214.87.64c), we have calculated your societal debt and necessity allowance. There is no paperwork to file as facts and figures were construed using complicated algorithms based on your government issued Usee account.

According to your browser history, you are:

Category                                         %accurate

Advanced Maternal Age                   99.8%

Data: Two live births after the age of 35 including one live birth after the age of 40.

Transgender/Gender queer           98.6%     

Data: Confirmed purchase of gender non-conforming Halloween costume, browser history of gender modifying marital aids, liking of several LGBTQ posts

African Decent                                   92.1%

Data: Paternal grandfather citizen of Nigeria

 Obese                                                   88.9%

Data: Usee BMI scan indicates a BMI of 30.2%, frequent online requests for cheesecake recipe, following: The Better Butter Chef, Second Helpings, Cheesecake Maven

Alcoholic                                              87.3%

Data: Weekly purchase of wine with an alcohol percentage of 12.5 or higher, reposting of alcoholic humor pages.

White Supremacist                           86.2% 

Data: Lack of cultural diversity in naming of children, confirmed purchase of Celtic cross, weekly participation in western religious services, low rates of dining on ethnic cuisine. 


Due to the nature of your lifestyle, the government has made several improvements/corrections to your benefit stream.

Because Advanced Maternal Age is dangerous and ideally undesirable, the government has scheduled you for mandatory sterilization.

Your assessment as Transgender/Gender queer will allow you to choose your gender by either having gender reassignment surgery or gender stability counseling in accordance with the Binary Enforcement Act. Please note, that due to budget concerns, all surgeries will be scheduled for the same day.

Your obese status has forced us to decrease your monthly food allotment to a total of 950 calories a day until you achieve the target BMI safety goal of 23%. Your data stream has been tailored to your new lifestyle assessment to include The Grain Council Weight Loss Plan. You will be assigned as an infrastructure repair support volunteer to facilitate your goal.

Your assessment as an alcoholic will result in an immediate cessation of the ability to purchase alcoholic beverages. You will be assigned to substance abuses counseling. Please note, that due to budget concerns, all counseling sessions will take place in the same office at the same time. You will be mandated to submit to a Usee breath test, daily, at 7 pm EST.

Your assessment as white supremacist has placed you in cultural sensitivity counseling. Please note, that due to budget concerns, all counseling sessions will take place in the same office at the same time. While your freedom of religion will not be denied, you will be relocated to a new faith worshipping site where you may participate one time every month and will be watched for signs of radicalization. The government has placed a hate tax on your account until you have reached the mandatory financial penalty of $58,982.36. You will be paired with a cultural care buddy whose genetic make up consists of at least 25% non-white ancestry.


Where do these numbers come from?

Our data comes from a complicated algorithm encrypted into your government issued Usee account and is based on your opinions, purchases, and observations made during random Usee monitoring.

The numbers are confusing, what do they mean?

The numbers we use are related to the algorithm embedded in your Usee account. In accordance with the Transparency in Government Act, they represent the likelihood that the government’s assessment is accurate.

What if the government is wrong? 

That scenario is highly unlikely. However, mistakes occasionally happen. Any assessment below a 75% accuracy rating can be taken to your local government benefits issuance officer for review against your Usee account activity.

Why do some of my designations contradict one another?

Like the government’s complex algorithm, people are difficult to understand. In a recent survey, it was discovered that over 89% of people lack moral cohesion.

What is a hate tax and where does the money go? 

A hate tax is your government’s way of spreading equality. The hate others inflict upon our country is a crime and is dealt as such, but without the problem of straining our already overburdened cluster prisons in Detroit, Chicago, and Los Angeles. Money generated from these taxes support a variety of funding for programs such as anti-radicalization faith services, crime deterrent collars, and specially formulated socio-development programs for low-income children–including the Nutrition Boosters program which heightens adolescent awareness and productivity through free supplements.

What if I fail to comply with the government improvements/corrections?

Failure to comply will result in immediate and sever consequences including, but not limited to: fines, levees, prison time, admittance into one of our agricultural re-educations centers, and forced compliance. If you are having feelings of rebellion, or are witnessing the treasonous behavior of another, please call 1-800-GOV-HELP immediately.

Colleen Maloney lives on a small farm in upstate New York with her spouse, children, and an assortment of animals. You can see more of her work on Medium @ColleenSlatteryMaloney.

Show Colleen some love via PayPal at T_Maloney4(at)yahoo(dot)com.