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INT. THE BREAKROOM, TRENDY GROCERY STORE—10 minutes ago.

The BREAKROOM of TRENDY GROCERY STORE. NICOLE (mid-30s/obvious brunette with blond hair/black glasses/looks exhausted) is sitting at a table next to JENNY (late 40s/brown hair/frumpy/real fucking annoying).

JENNY

Can I tell you something that you’re gonna
judge me super harshly about?

NICOLE

Okay.

JENNY

I’ve been watching the Simpsons every day for at
least a week—from the moment I get home until
I go to bed!

NICOLE
That’s a good show.

JENNY

I know, right!? But still. Every day!? That’s so bad.

NICOLE

Can I tell you something that you’re gonna
judge me super harshly about?

JENNY

Yes! OMG! Please do!

NICOLE

I just saw this guy over by the fig butter and
I think it may have been one of my ex boyfriends—
but I’m not sure cuz I was drunk the entire
time we dated.

JENNY

…..

NICOLE

But then I’m like “Shit. What if it is him?
Should I go talk to him??” But then I was like,
“Wait—maybe that would be too weird considering
he broke up with me—and I can’t remember why.

JENNY

…..

NICOLE

I don’t know. Maybe it had something to do with that
one time we went to a matinee and I pulled a sprite
bottle out of my bag and started drinking out of it,
and he was like “Is that vodka?” and I was like
“Is it? That’s weird!?” And then kept drinking it.

JENNY

…..

NICOLE

Or those times when he was like “What’s that white
stuff all over your nostrils.” and I was like, “I know.
I don’t know either. So weird.”

JENNY

…..

NICOLE

And then there was that one time when we went out
drinking with his “best friend,” who happened to be
one of those really pretty, earthy girls that loves
dogs, smiles a lot, and smells like rotting hippies—
and allegedly, I had had enough of her—so I put her
in a cab and sent her home. Which is amazing
considering I did all that in a total blackout.

JENNY

…..

NICOLE

Oh—and also, there was that thing where I snorted
all those amphetamines before Thanksgiving dinner with
his family and couldn’t eat or blink during the entire
meal. Or maybe it had something to do with that ONE
time, that I showed up to his sister’s super-religious
dry wedding—two hours late and absolutely shitfaced.

JENNY

…..

NICOLE

That’s a lot of Simpsons tho.

 

THE END

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Nicole Walkow is a writer and stand up comedian in Washington, DC. When she’s not performing onstage, she’s writing stories and jokes at home, or in the bathroom at her grocery store job. She also really likes snacks.

Show Nicole some love via PayPal at nicole.walkow(at)gmail(dot)com.