All-day Lone Assassin™ paintball package on location in your ex’s neighborhood, complete with equipment. Package also includes a training session from a former Army sniper and a getaway Uber driver waiting at the curb to ensure you hit your mark and escape without getting caught. $39.99.
Flea-infestation kit for three rooms and a hallway. Sneak into your ex’s house and release enough bags of live fleas to cover all major traffic areas: $49.99. Upgrade to entire house for just $29.99 more.
Swarovski voodoo doll. Inflict pain in style. Package includes twenty 10 mm rose-gold plated studs adorned with genuine Swarovski crystals. Twelve-inch doll is made of preshrunk canvas with a plastic sleeve over the head so you can insert your target’s picture. Includes certificate of authenticity. $79.
Poisonous soap and bubble-bath making class for one person. Create attractive beauty products with scents such as spearmint and cedar that are actually laden with chemicals designed to irritate skin and deliver painful and repulsive lesions. One-day class with enough supplies to create a bountiful toxic gift basket just in time for the wedding. $99.
All-inclusive five-day vacation at the Sea Garden Beach Resort in Charlotte Amalie, St. Thomas, with a balcony view to the Ritz-Carlton, where your ex is honeymooning. Sulk in complete luxury with binoculars and unlimited wine. Bribes included so you can keep tabs on their whereabouts at all times. $999, airfare not included.
Legal assistance. One month’s subscription to Legal Samurai, a full-service legal team with services tailored just for you. From free legal advice around the clock to representation in court, our lawyers will defend your rights as mercilessly as a Samurai. No questions asked. $1,999.
Therapy package. Connect with a licensed psychologist for up to one year in a secure online portal. Your therapist will help you deal with lingering anger and any potential guilt you are experiencing due to recent events. It might also satisfy court-ordered reparations. Two weekly sessions, with the option to extend your therapy at a reduced rate. $3,999.
Ashley Memory lives in rural Randolph County, N.C., where she brews raspberry jam and walks softly through abandoned graveyards to keep from disturbing those souls sleeping underneath her feet. Her work has recently appeared in The Birds We Piled Loosely, Gyroscope Review, and The Ginger Collect. She has been nominated for a Pushcart Prize, and she is a two-time recipient of the Doris Betts Fiction Prize sponsored by the N.C. Writers’ Network.
Follow her on Cherries and Chekhov, a fruit-inspired blog on the literary life.
Show Ashley some love via PayPal at memoryashley(at)gmail(dot)com.