Why do I have to give you my credit card number?

So we can charge you when the free offer expires, and you’ll have forgotten to cancel ahead of time.

Is there an actual person I can talk to?

No. An actual person might weaken and offer you a refund.

Is the warranty transferable?

No. The warranty is so flimsy it wouldn’t survive transfer.

Why do I have to commit to a full year?

So that we have time to mine more data from you.

If I have any problems, who should I call?

Your mother is a good place to start.

Say I move out of state. Will the benefits follow me?

No. There are no benefits to our service.

If there are no benefits, why should I commit?

You like receiving our frequent marketing emails?

Who thought up that dumb otter mascot of yours?

Focus groups revealed that people like otters more than beavers or weasels.

Your motto—It’s All a Big Joke. That seems kind of cynical.

Do you have a question?

Will Gandy is the author of the unpublished novel, Open Wide. He lives in San Diego with his wife, two mutts, and a bottle of Patrón Silver.