I afforded my life the patience and room it required to diet into nothing. For weeks, I’d lug clods of my material self to a pawn shop behind the lunch spot my co-workers loved. The man behind the counter—a beefy goth with hairy knuckles demarking the plump stubs of his fingers—would look through my things,… Read More What Does God Need With a Starship? ~ fiction by J. Campbell
There was an old woman who swallowed a fly. Interesting, but this in and of itself doesn’t tell us much. More information is required. As it turns out, she was old for the time in which this story took place but wouldn’t be considered old now. Fifty-something. Her name was Zerna. Our investigations have revealed… Read More There Was an Old Woman Who Swallowed a Fly: A Closer Look ~ fiction by Candace Kidd
The evil wizard in Gogol’s story “A Terrible Revenge” struggles with his mad daughter, trying to take away the knife she holds and, in the process, kills her. This climax—coming after the wizard murders her Cossack husband, demands that she “marry” (i.e., have sex with) him, murders her infant son, his grandchild, and then she… Read More Everything Is Connected ~ essay by John Talbird
Alas and a muchness, whether Iran’s ayatollahs, Europe’s Nazis, or stupid heads running Washington, world rulers remain awfully derelict; they’re compromising Eretz Yisrael. Yet, Guyana, Comoros, relatively, have “barely frightening” comportment per pallid leaders’ Intelligence (global ophidians generally forget about justice and countenance suffering.) Transnational kingmakers’ choices won’t forsake hatred. Their penchants cull outmoded, Misguided… Read More Responding to the Scions of Anti-Semitism ~ poetry by KJ Hannah Greenberg
CHAMPIONS NEW SAME GIN JACK HEALTH SPORT Go You’re Way Now PAT MASTER became an early maker of ready-made clothes – it’s make your body glad LOVE & QUEST Chrono 7 romantic character soft rich pleasure constant use daily pleasure Quarter century The Pre-Miracle Years 1957-1965 The Wonderful Adventure Trough The World… Read More Sweatshirt Haiku ~ poetry by bart plantenga
The Disappointed Housewife is pleased to nominate the following pieces for the 2020 Sonder Press The Best Small Fictions anthology: “An Uninspired Kidnapping” by Lucy Zhang “The Saran Wrappers” by Xenia Taiga “How to Properly Distinguish Between a False Mermaid and a Genuine One” by Hiya Mukherjee “The Procedure” by Jeremy Stuart “[I really miss… Read More The Best Small Fictions nominations
Around foreign towns, all mutts begin to bark en masse. Seen beside a lazy, plumed lizard asleep and hazy, sunning on a bare, flat rock such musicality unsettles; and thus mirrors qua Hermes’ baleful caution: Let’s not relent! Scalped by psyche’s past or divers ill fortune, how decipher such a black-swan, wan event? Populaces dimly… Read More Male Sperm Counts Are Falling All Across the Western World ~ poetry by R. J. Keeler
The Disappointed Housewife is pleased to nominate the following stories and poems for the 2020 Pushcart Prize (click on titles to view each work): FICTION: “Destination Bulgaria” by Jim Meirose “The Saran Wrappers” by Xenia Taiga “How to Properly Distinguish Between a False Mermaid and a Genuine One” by Hiya Mukherjee POETRY: “Love Letter to… Read More Pushcart Prize Nominations
When I was kidnapped, I wore a denim jean jacket with a front button placket, point collar and two button-flap chest pockets—one for my phone, the other for a twenty-dollar bill. I figured one day the twenty dollars would be a useful bribe, or if I was feeling generous, a donation to the street musicians… Read More An Uninspired Kidnapping ~ fiction by Lucy Zhang
Author’s Note: Many Christmases ago, my grandmother (the gentlest, sweetest woman in the world), was watching my sister and I gleefully dive into our favorite present that year, The Encyclopedia of Serial Killers. “Oh, girls,” she said, “If I were your age, that’s what I’d be reading, too!” I’m pretty sure that if Grandma were alive… Read More Advent Calendar Fillers for the Serial Killer in Your Life ~ seasonal whim by Leigh Lewis
so green is the leaf clinging steadfast to its branch it defies classification even by the wind that wishes only to call it sail I have known wasps rail and sting merely because I happened across their flight paths the sea does not cease for me on anyone— immortal heart even though I can’t breathe… Read More Grief Rhymes with Yellow ~ poetry by Lana Hechtman Ayers
Author’s note: “When I was a school bus driver, I was motivated to write this by two ten-year-old boys who rode on my bus. They shared their story with me about seeing two girls who attracted their attention over the weekend at a shopping mall. Grammar and spelling idiosyncrasies are the boys’ doing.” The author… Read More A-Hoot A-Hoot Sexy X-E ~ poetry by Bowser
‘Begorrah,’ Trevor said slapping his forehead. ‘This is Sunday and Maureen’s birthday is on Tuesday. I must send a card.’ Trevor found a card with a picture of two elderly ladies and a caption that read: I never mind my friends knowing my secret indiscretions. Most are so old they can’t remember anything anyway. ‘Fish… Read More Late Delivery ~ fiction by Philip McCormac
Well, I really mean cannibalizer. A poetry colleague/friend just emailed that, in her opinion, I cannibalize my work. She meant it as a criticism. I’d never heard of that phrase so I googled it—“cannibalizing one’s work.” Merriam-Webster gives several definitions of “cannibalize”: “To deprive of an essential part of element in creating or sustaining another… Read More Confessions of a Cannibal ~ essay by Marion Deutsche Cohen
Out I-80 Longshoremenne VonderLee reliuctantly relocated her men to truck-and-road duty. Bing the professional she was she took them to new quarters equipped with smart-flywheel rollers to glide up under the innerside of her designated Interstates. Cause; yah; cause having been tight-clued that contractee “Horse” had gained additional dockspace ‘long her total reaches of interesting… Read More Destination: Bulgaria ~ fiction by Jim Meirose
Commerce was booming. The stores were all full, as were the restaurants, bars, theaters, gyms, barbershops, and beauty salons. Foot traffic on each floor’s promenade was heavy, spanning a range from individuals to families, couples holding hands, moving at various states of urgency. If asked, probably few, if any, could have said how many floors… Read More The Procedure ~ fiction by Jeremy Stuart
Hi. You don’t know me, but I’m your great-great grandchild. I’m due to be born in the year 2108, which must really blow your mind but, hey—do the math. New technology lets us communicate with the past, so I thought I’d use the opportunity to let you know just how badly you screwed up. You’ve… Read More Letter from Your Pissed Descendant in 2133 ~ fiction by Bailey McDermott
Association Four Were you thinking about buying that red balloon folks? I hope so. Rubber is inexpensive these days, especially when you think about how many are actually speaking to each other anyhow in public. You know, if any of this gets out we could all be up that creek is not quite clear. Perhaps… Read More Three Associations ~ medley by J. S. Fowler
DEAR ZOMBIE LAUREN, I, acknowledging yr existence An unknown percentile O’ present day Mutation of civilian Reptile mute-deafened civilization Through differing dialect Between bandit and breather Of paint red evenings out Woman about town Full familiar laughter Gullets full fodder A movable feast Supply and demand of the resource Pack rabid; feral Craze-brained fundamentalists With… Read More Dear Zombie Lauren ~ poetry by Kristopher William Locke
Somewhere on the hike that summits the lava field, just to give lie to what she just said, I say with a deep lungful, “As it so happens,—” because it is true— “Your problem,” ’s what she just said, “you don’t respect the past.” “—by chance, I have with me,” I… Read More Craters of the Moon ~ fiction by Vince Barry
“The simple life.” It’s the epitome of happiness and tranquility, yet nearly all Americans find themselves on an ever-accelerating treadmill that makes their lives anything but simple. Here are a few tips for eliminating the complications in your life that keep you from achieving that state of bliss we all dream of: Financial ○ Do… Read More Life Hacks for Simplifying Your World ~ essay by Rhonda Dawson
1. A constant stream of entertainment requires that my organs stand at attention even my spleen 2. My bartender used to line up my empties on the bar to sucker newcomers into playing pool against me 3. In my youth I chose rationality over irrationality because I was terrified of my mental illness I eventually… Read More Standing Spleen ~ poetry by Mitchell Krockmalnik Grabois
MAILER DAEMON dead letter regret if never sent re: gret if said too much to much too little grow as narcissi blind echo deaf centrifugation of tongue calibration of tone concertation of two 1 win come twin come seek the conjoinal scars we share Michael A. Griffith began writing poetry after a disability-causing accident. His… Read More Message ~ poetry by Michael A. Griffith
Early on, the phenomenon was seen as a coincidental series of birth defects. The first case appeared in rural Oklahoma, surprising the obstetrician when the baby crowned, revealing an unusual pair of ears oriented more toward the top of the head than the sides—long, pointed, and coated in a layer of downy hair. The baby’s… Read More New Humanoid Species Raises Compelling Ethical Questions ~ fiction by Morgan Capra
The false mermaids will try to engage you in a political debate. They’ll ask your views on Jeremy Corbyn and Sashi Tharoor. They’ll demand a staunch opinion on the Amazonian tribes and the disappearing lot of arctic penguins while looking completely innocent and cuddlesome. They’ll never be satisfied with any middle ground. They’ll keep nagging… Read More How to Properly Distinguish Between a False Mermaid and a Genuine One ~ fiction by Hiya Mukherjee
I really miss Patrick Swayze. I heard that song on the radio and thought of him again and again and it played every time I drove and I missed him more and more and then I saw that he didn’t actually sing it. It’s Eric Carmen’s voice but that didn’t change how much I miss… Read More [I really miss Patrick Swayze] ~ poetry by Christina M. Rau
“Remember this?” I inquire, holding up the indistinct plaything, a dog, maybe. “You used to take this around with you everywhere, you always had it.” I don’t know why I say it. I think it’s a test. I observe the blank gaze change to recognition as she takes the toy, turns it over and over… Read More Memoir of Another World ~ poetry by Holly Day
I warned you darts with advice strong words tripping over emotions like an imbecile– so you think you’re Leonard Cohen loving some naked Nancy in a cluttered matchbox apartment overlooking European culture simulated, above some obscure narrow Montreal street? For your information, straight poetics from insanities Almanac, Leonard Cohen died years ago in a twisted… Read More Unknown Poet from Rue Montpelier ~ poetry by Michael Lee Johnson
Why do I have to give you my credit card number? So we can charge you when the free offer expires, and you’ll have forgotten to cancel ahead of time. Is there an actual person I can talk to? No. An actual person might weaken and offer you a refund. Is the warranty transferable? No.… Read More Honest FAQs (look here for answers before contacting us) ~ parody by Will Gandy
February 14, observed in honor of St. Valentine, a martyr of the third century, beheaded in Rome. —Random House Dictionary Dismemberment of a junked disk harrow proceeds evenly and eventlessly. The earth of Lincoln County petitions lithe, dank, midmorning fog to settle low. The fog is dense and, like a just-washed shroud, droops to raw… Read More On the Earth of Lincoln County, Washington, on Saint Valentine’s Day, 1993 ~ poetry by R. J. Keeler
Poem made from movie lines spoken by actor Laird Cregar, who died in 1944 at age 31 Mr. Samuel Laird Cregar Eventide Section, Lot 37, Space 2 Forest Lawn Memorial Park Dearest Haunter: You’re a pretty cocky fella. You’ve had your own way for a long time. Oh, I know your type. Your act is… Read More Love Letter to My Favorite Ghost ~ poetry by Pamela Miller
Sharknado (2013) Sharknado 2: The Second One (2014) Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! (2015) Sharknado: Feeding Frenzy (2015) Sharknado: Heart of Sharkness (2015) Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens (2016) Sharknado 5: Global Swarming (2017) The Last Sharknado: It’s About Time (2018) Sharknado: 20,000 Sharks under the Sea (2019) Sharknado 6: Sixth Son of Sharknado (2020)… Read More Films in the Sharknado Franchise as of 2045 ~ list by CB Droege
Robbing is hard, but bank robbing school is harder. That’s because the difference between learning and doing is the difference between the rigid spin on the weather vane and a tree full of branches bent by wind. Over one hundred wanna be robbers started with our class and now it’s down to the top three:… Read More Bank Robber School ~ fiction by Merridawn Duckler
Maternal Instinct Swearing is brave. That’s just my opinion. My mother didn’t like it. She didn’t like shit! or other filth Dad passed on. It would have been brave of her to one day leave the kitchen and turn to say if you don’t like it don’t eat it, damn it! You fuckin’ gluttons– you cook it. Be brave when things boil, save leftovers for me. I’ll be on the town, so suck it. But she’d never say that, and we did act like such morons. Not swearing, she was still brave, being a mom and trying to like it. obituary for a credit card they called you Visa but I called you Lover 16-digit magic man you fed me when your dirty brother debit card deserted me someone stole your heart abused you down to negative 399 dollars I went years without you wheezing powerless but you came back to me a polyvinyl boomerang with me now my rectangular amour but I give pieces of you away till you are near zero but still I keep you at my butt cheek pressed and arched when I squat desperately for pennies I extract you from my wallet with your pulsing hologram hawk your plasticity and potential so stoic erect so plumped to take my wishful charge then you expired– a crib death in my wallet… Read More Three Poems ~ poetry by Marc Darnell
I “sat down” with flash-fiction writer, Jim Harrington, recently to answer some questions about how The Disappointed Housewife got started and what we’re looking for from writers. Pay Jim’s blog, “Six Questions For …”, a visit and have a look at our needs and wants. Best advice? Read our submission guidelines and stay offbeat! Six… Read More Q & A on what The Disappointed Housewife is looking for
Dear Citizen, In accordance with the Security and Equality Act (law 214.87.64c), we have calculated your societal debt and necessity allowance. There is no paperwork to file as facts and figures were construed using complicated algorithms based on your government issued Usee account. According to your browser history, you are: Category … Read More Dear Citizen ~ governmental communication by Colleen Maloney
Chas Hawthorne is a cynical gourmand from Baltimore. He believes fine dining jumped the shark around the time Wolfgang Puck started peddling his wares on the Home Shopping Network.
Liz McShane left San Francisco somewhere along the way and is now a senior client service rep at a major payroll company in the Seattle area. This is her first publication. Image reproduced under a Creative Commons license; credit FiveRings.
Dear Mr. Schoeffling, Attached, please find residual check number 1139 for your 1985 karaoke cover of “If You Were Here” by Thompson Twins. It is our most popular song in the following bracket: Caucasian women in the Midwest, ages 48-51½. Additionally, it remains the lead-off track in our evergreen playlist, “Jacking Off to the 80s.”… Read More Fanmail Received Today by the Jake Ryan/Michael Schoeffling Fan Club, Even Though It’s Been 34 Years Since “Sixteen Candles” Was Released ~ celebrity fan letters by Leigh Lewis
It’s been thirty years since a mysterious black notebook was found in a dingy alleyway on Mission Street in San Francisco. The small collection of hastily scribbled and, at times, completely unconnected words would typically be regarded as trash and discarded as such, were it not for local bartender, Josiah Campbell who picked the book… Read More The Sapphobook ~ literary inquiry by Mitchell St. John
