HARRY O’GROWLY

Greetings, friends, from the 2018 National Human Show. My name is Harry O’Growly, back again as your host on this fine Thanksgiving afternoon. I’m joined in the Purina Dog House on the floor of the Philadelphia Expo Center by my wing hound, if you will, Bones Ruffing.

Bones, what breed are you looking forward to seeing most this year? And by the way, the shine on your flowing red coat is fantastic. The Premium Purina Dog Chow is treating you very well, my friend.

BONES RUFFING

Thanks, Harry. I’m ready to kick it ‘80s style with the Mullet Group.

HARRY

Well now, woof woof to you, sir. Nothing like jumping right into our newest group, brought to you today by NBC’s hot new documentary, Business up Front, Party in the Back. I’m eager to see the variety of mullets in this category. My word, one could go in a number of different directions. Bones, who is first up?

BONES

Well, Harry, we have a live one here. You don’t see flow like this every day. The Camaro Cut is an underrated mullet style. Look at him prance in perfect time next to his handler, an attractive and proud Golden Retriever, so graceful. The leather jacket is a nice touch too, reminds me of a young Richard Marx.

HARRY

Bones, I have to say this one has a legitimate chance for Best In Show. The gloss on his mullet is stellar. You were close, Bones, but his owner is apparently a bigger fan of country music. Cyrus is such a regal name.

BONES

Hold on there, Harry, don’t crown the Achy Breaky crooner quite yet. Let’s see what the other groups have to offer. This format change is as tasty as a Beggin’ Strip. The Skunk Mullet, Backwoods Barbie, and the Tennessee Waterfall are going to have to wait until we rotate back around. Why don’t we get back to the roots of this venerable showcase of the finest humans and rollout a member of the working group? Harry, your guess is as good as mine as to what we will see here. Hardworking Americans come in variety of shapes and sizes.

HARRY

Ruff ruff, Bones. Agreed. I must say the next competitor pushes the boundaries of our program a bit and sure kept our legal team busy. The decision to allow revealing clothing on national television is never easy, but the NBC executive canines made the right call here, Bones. They ultimately decided to allow this plumber from the heartland to show his ass crack. Why, you ask? Because the audience deserves to see the working group in unabashed raw form. Now, Bones, the audience should know the NBC legal team would only go so far as to allow him to reveal exactly one and one-half inches of his ass crack. Nothing more, sir. Good thing, because quite frankly I am not sure America could handle that much dark crevasse.

BONES

Wow, Harry, what a mouthful, but a little legal housekeeping was in order there to set the stage. Parents, you may want to shield the eyes of your young pups nonetheless. Harry, this man is a trailblazer of sorts, a gem from the great state of Indiana comfortable in his skin and his Al’s Plumbing uniform. Strong move right there, giving the audience an authentic look. The blue shirt is probably a little too tight but it works for me, Harry. Look at those love handles, bouncing like Jell-O as he runs next to his handler, a gorgeous Husky. The ass crack is peeking out now, but wait for it, wait, wait. There it is, Harry, the squat, just like when he goes low to work on a kitchen sink. The crowd is going wild.

HARRY

Kudos to the first two competitors on a job well done. Breathtaking stuff. Not sure about you Bones, but I could use some water. I am going pull rank here and ask our production assistant, Rex, to bring us our water bowls. Come on, Rex, what do ya say, pal? Okay, while Rex works on hydrating the hosts, I want to tell you our good friends from the hit NBC show Kidz Bop, Sweatin’ to the Classics are sponsoring the next group. What a program. Fat kids singing while they work off the pounds is pure entertainment, Bones. Listen, in all seriousness, obesity in children is a grave issue. You know what, Bones? We have no one to blame but ourselves. The proliferation of snack time for our human companions is absurd. But, I digress, sir. One thing we can all agree on is this group is a fan favorite.

BONES

Exactly, Harry. I am always amazed at how well-behaved these cute little buggers are. Our first miniature group entrant seemingly takes it to another level. He looks like a little man, Harry. His parents are obviously from an elite class, sparing no expense in outfitting young seven-year-old Parker with a red Polo sweater and khakis, and you knew the kicks were going to be Sperry. Oh, and I have to say, Harry, your spectacular white mane takes a back seat to the finely coiffed locks of this young man.

HARRY

Let’s not get carried away, Bones. My hair has been known to make female hounds weep. Young Parker and his handler are moving well together. This kid is special, a combination of silky smooth movement and technical precision. Look at the pinpoint turns and he does it all with an all-knowing smile. Wait, what is going on here? Oh, dear lord, no, no, no. Down goes Parker, down goes Parker. Bones, that WWE style clothesline maneuver by miniature group contestant number two was savage. I’m at a loss for words.

BONES

You’ll have situations like this, Harry, when you mix upper and lower classes. Oh my, the Walmart-clad warrior just dropped an elbow. Uh, guys, we better go to commercial here.

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David Jans is an emerging writer based in western Pennsylvania. His flash fiction and creative nonfiction has appeared in Red Fez.